AWESOME EBAY PURCHASE OF THE WEEK - BASEWARS

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A new post classification emerges today in the desolate landscape of this once proud blog, my "Awesome eBay Purchase of the Week."

Why, you ask? Because for every one project I complete I probably buy 30 bizarre trinkets on eBay, and because writing a post about buying something takes about 2% as much thought and effort as writing a post about making something. Really, when you think about it, I had no other choice but to expand my precious world of Rubbish into even more banal realms of banality. Evolve or die, they say, and I'm just not ready for this blog to be dead yet.

Close maybe, but not yet.

Without further adieu, the brass tacks:

ITEM: Original copy of Base Wars for the Nintendo Entertainment System, IN its original box, WITH its original instructions and all included psuedo-Konami paraphernalia.

PRICE PAID: $5.25 after shipping.

BARGAIN QUOTIENT: Out of this goddamn world!

It's a beautiful day for a brawl game!

$23.4 billion a year for a .250 hitter? Baseball salaries in the 24th century have rocketed through the O-Zone! And team owners are rebelling. They've replaced these greedy players with mighty robots programmed for punishment. The result is Base Wars - a bizarre cross between baseball and gladatorial combat. Its heroes are an awesome array of mutant machines. Metallic he-monsters resembling men, half-ton tanks and unidentified fielding objects. But forget about good sportsmanship in the Cyber League. Because in Base Wars winning isn't everything, it's the only things. And these mega horse power sultans of swat are armed to the circuits with enough laser swords, fire guns, and ammunition to spark interplanetary war.

All the elements of baseball are here - pitching, hitting, fielding, and base running. Plus a brutal bonus: One-on-one battle royales for base possession.

Choose and name the teams, set the robot rosters, and start swinging the lumber, Jack. Knock heads with another player or test your metal against the Nintendo Entertainment System. Play single games or set up a league pennant race with up to 10 games. Use the money you earn for victories to make repairs and stock up on every unfair advantage known to mechanical man. Including hyper engines, ultra shoulders, iron gloves, and more. And show no mercy.

Because if you aren't as tough as steel, you'll never make it to the World Domination Series.

The preceding text is what is written, word for word, on the back of the box for Base Wars. I'd tell you how awesome this game is, but after reading that, you already know. Furthermore, I'd tell you what a sentence fragment is, but after reading that.

And when I said this game came with everything, I mean it came with EVERYTHING!

Display box, instruction manual, game cartridge, and the ever-popular nondescript cartridge dust sleeve...

Promotional poster for Rollergames, Mission Impossible, Snake's Revenge, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (the single most frustrating game in the history of me throwing controllers at my television), and the dreadfully under-appreciated Ski or Die. I'd make a joke about one of the Kennedy's here but I'm pretty sure I'm not in line for hell right at this instant and I'd just assume keep it that way...

And, of course, a "send in and win" registration card for the Ultra Software Corporation, a subsidiary of the Konami Company (feel free to read the details here if you really give a shit) that apparently used to reside at P.O. Box 11210 in Chicago, Illinois, zip code 60611-0210.

Mailing to an actual street address instead of a P.O. Box would have made the whole experience a lot more enjoyable, but you can rest assured that I solicited a decent amount of pleasure out of filling out and returning that product registration card. And fear not, I shall keep you posted with any new developments related to this aspect of the purchase, particularly if returning this card miraculously results in my receiving a free copy of John Elway's Quarterback.

As for Base Wars itself, the game is only slightly less entertaining now than it was when I used to rent it as a child. As such, on a scale of one to awesome, I'd rate it a ridiculous.