Sunday, August 17, 2008

LARRY CRAIG LOVES THE CARTOON COCK

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About a month ago (and by "a month ago" I actually mean 2 American months ago... Good Rubbish functions on metric time) I asked for your help in figuring out what to do with this ghastly frame I found during some low level scavenging at a local thrift store:

BFF

To the surprise of many people associated with this blog, most notably myself, the response was actually pretty good. A couple of excellent email submissions were received, oft-referenced quasi-contributor Artimus Mangilord provided me with his usual sage wisdom, a pair of Kevins stopped by to aid in the cause, and resident omni-commenter Shawn laid out a litany of exceptionally bizarre suggestions that made me even more fearful of the day he shows up unannounced in my backyard during a rainstorm with mascara running down his face and a crumpled photograph of Connie Chung in one of his hands, a half eaten banana in the other.

::shudder::

Though this effort from the masses was both hearty and humbling, I ultimately felt as though I needed to go my own direction with this project. I wanted to fill this frame with something that would be both intellectually honest and emotionally intense. I wanted a seven course feast for the eyes that would make the ears bleed with envy. I wanted nothing short of perfection. As it eventually turned out, what I wanted was a picture of Larry Craig on vacation with an overjoyed cartoon penis.

If you aren't familiar with the most notable handiwork of Senator Craig, please refer to the man's wikipedia page. If you aren't familiar with the most recent handiwork of Senator Craig, please watch the following video:



Honestly, this man is a national treasure... that's really all I have to say about that.

Alright, so to get this photo project moving, I first needed a picture of good 'ol Larry. This one, his official portrait I'll have you know, seemed to work fine. Next, I needed to find some clothes for the penis to wear, as I thought it'd look kind of weird to have Larry posing for a picture with a completely naked penis. After all, just because it's a sex organ doesn't mean it lives a life devoid of decency or shame... but this raised an interesting question: if penises were the size of people, and wore people clothes, what kind of clothes would they wear?

I suppose that question is as old as time itself, and it's one that everyone can devise their own solution to, but for me the answer was clear: A turtleneck sweater. Yeah, think about that for a second. In my opinion, the only other rational choice would be "one of the legs from a pair of stretch pants," but to be honest that just seems a little impractical. Like I said though, you're free to come up with your own ideas about anthropomorphic penis apparel. That's what America is all about.

A quick google image search for turtlenecks led me to this photograph, which comes from what has to be one of the most unintentionally ridiculous web pages I've ever seen. As its title suggests (well, not "suggests" so much as "plainly states"), it's a tutorial-ish document on how to dress for cold weather, but its seemingly legitimate reason for existence belies the massive cache of incredible stupidity that lies beneath. A couple of choice quotes:

Mittens are warmer than gloves. Mothers put mittens on young children for this reason.
Caution: The disadvantage is that it is difficult to pick things up while wearing mittens.
Wear a sweater over a shirt or a sweater over a turtleneck, even try two sweaters together (really!).
As parents all over the north say to their children – if you're cold, put on a sweater.

Yep, that one's definitely gonna stay on the old bookmark list for a good long while. As an aside, whomever wrote that piece has masterfully outlined the reason that I no longer travel to the frozen north - I fucking hate being told to put on a sweater. Come up with a new remedy for cold weather already, assholes!

Moving on...

So we've got Senator Craig and we've got some dick clothes, now we needed a setting. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find any good pictures of a Minnesota airport bathroom, but I was able to find this picture, which I feel works just about as well. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, we needed a cartoon penis (for the record, I chose to use a cartoon penis for this picture instead of a picture of a real penis for several reasons, all of which should be plainly obvious to anyone who hasn't been bludgeoned over the head with a hammer at any point in the past 30 seconds).

The cartoon penis proved to be an elusive conquest, as there just weren't any out there that vibed with the picture I was using of Senator Craig. There was this lovable little scamp, this patriotic offering, lots of these, and plenty of stuff like this, but nothing that really fit the bill for what I was trying to accomplish here. I slowly came to the realization that I was going to need to draw this beast on my own. Would I be up to the challenge? Only time would tell.

4 minutes later...

08-17-2008 05;47;11PM

Challenge: 0, Enron: 1. Also, dig the reservoir tips our penis friend is sporting on his elbows. Classy, yeah?

Now that I had all of my pieces, I had to get them into their right places. Following a few minutes of fiddling, I was left with this:

before-coloring

A nice start (I particularly like how the woman's shoulders give the subtle impression that the sweater is masking an absolutely ENORMOUS set of testicles), but clearly the anthropomorphic penis (who has no name by the way, feel free to provide one if you feel so inclined) was in dire need of some coloration. I had never used photoshop to color in anything before, so I was a bit apprehensive about how this was going to turn out, but once I found the right fleshy base tone and got comfortable with the burn tool things really fell into place nicely. How nicely? Mother fucking nicely, if I do say so myself.

finished

Print print print, cut cut cut, glue glue glue, etc etc etc...

IMG_0697

Home sweet home.

I suppose I could use a word other than "spectacular" to describe how I feel this project turned out, but you know what? I'm not gonna.

Spectacular. Fucking spectacular.

Mmm... pride...

4 comments:

Shawn said...

Connie Fucking Chung?
Nah, she's been all Jewed up by Povich. I need a REAL Asian bitch. Someone with the head crushing thighs of Kristi Yamaguchi and the overall skank factor of Courtney Love. Any suggestions?
While we're on the subject of head crushing thighs, have you seen Shawn Johnson? My God, that girl could hold back Lake Mead with those legs. And she's only 4'8'', which makes her a handy travel size when you need to avert a disastrous flood in a hurry. Or cause one. She makes my tongue hard. I know that makes me really dirty by saying that, but you know, I'm OK with that.
And with the image of that little gymnast being carried by emergency personnel like a six pack, I'll bid you all Adieu.

Shawn said...

I've just gone back and looked at some of the comments that I have left on your illustrious blog, and I must say, if I was some guy who started a website to show off my crap and some jackass came out of the blue and said all the things I've said, well, I just might be a little intimidated.
Hmm... Just how DOES someone develop the twisted sense of humor that I have while still retaining a strong sense of integrity and decency? I wasn't really all that different than anyone else. Didn't do many drugs, just a little pot, and not even that in over ten years. I didn't torture animals... Hmm... I just don't know.

Father Rhyme said...

You know Shawn, sometimes you seriously creep me out, but that oration you just delivered there - the Lake Mead passage in particular - I mean, that was just grade A stuff. Bravo sir, bra-fucking-vo.

And then, to top things off, young Shaun goes out no more than 1 night later and pockets her first ever gold on the balance beam. Mere coincidence, or did your passionate words and borderline pedophilia (regardless of whether it’s understandable or not) provide her with all the inspiration she needed to get over the silver hump and land squarely upon gold mountain?

History will likely record it one way, but I… well, I shall record it another.

Shawn said...

First: With all the creepy shit that I've said, THIS is the one comment that you rate with a "bravo"? Are you fucking serious? I talk about carrying a barely pubescent teenager like a six pack (with those thighs, I'm sure slippage wouldn't be a problem), and other creep-worthy stuff like what's in the parentheses about 2 seconds ago, and THIS is the post that you deem worthy? I give you gold like "I'm gonna go off in a National Headline kind of way", and "crap-tacular", but NO, the one that makes you happy is the one that makes the villagers chase me with pitchforks and torches.
Second: I can only HOPE that Shawn Johnson thought of me tonguing her Iowa corn-fed crack and that pushed her to win the gold. My Twice-her-age fat ass would be on top of the world until she threw the gold medal at me in hopes of distracting me with something shiny long enough for her to run with her enormous thighs to the courthouse to get a restraining order signed by Clarence Thomas and witnessed by Larry Flynt.
Third: I'm serious about the Asian Bitch thing. Any ideas? And if anyone even MENTIONS a Chinese gymnast, you'll get to briefly see my lightning illuminated face in your back yard sooner than you can imagine.
Maybe a Russian Ice Skater... I hear Oksana Baiul has low standards, and she certainly looks like a coked out streetwalker down on her luck...

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