Friday, April 11, 2008

LET US ALL REJOICE IN THE MAJESTY OF GRAINY, LOW RESOLUTION PHOTOGRAPHS

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You ever wake up one morning feeling like you might have a cold coming on, so you try to get everything that you were planning to do for the rest of the week done in the span of 12 hours just in case you end up stuck in bed for a few days? Well, that's the frame of mind that I've been in today, and getting a new post up on The Big 'Rub (that's what I affectionately call this blog, particularly when I'm simultaneously pleasuring myself) is most definitely on my to do list.

(as a side note, Mother McHanslaw's been laid out with some sort of horrible respiratory virus for the past week straight, and I'm pretty sure that's what I've got, so if you don't hear from me for a while rest assured that I'm violently and frequently hacking up lung fragments like a 14th century prostitute with tuberculosis)

What follows is a collection of photographs that I just moved from my cell phone to my computer in preparation for my switch from Verizon to AT&T (I don't have any sort of cable to connect my phone to my PC, so I have to use my cell service to send them from A to B). I was originally just planning to put up the shots I took following my car accident bender from last Thursday (as they'd actually be relevant to the content on this site), but then I figured I might as well post the rest of my random photos as they'll provide you with a horrifying glimpse into the reality of my existence. Proceed at your own risk.

Back-'o-my-car-wo-plates

That's the back end of my car following my first accident from the other day. Notice the mirror like sheen emitting from my side panels, a sure fire sign that I'd waxed the car just 2 days beforehand. Time well spent.

Front 'o my car

And there's the front. Not a particularly dramatic shot, but you can make out the open sunroof, which is pretty neat (by the way, all of the other cars had been towed from the accident scene when I took these, which is why they don't appear in the photos).

As an interesting side note, if I had somehow been able to open a worm hole in the fabric of spacetime at the scene of the accident and then taken a picture through that worm hole before it closed (possibly by using dark matter as a sort of cosmic jaws of life), I not only would have gotten a photograph including all of the other cars, but Robert E. Lee would have appeared in the shot standing on the hood of my car throwing peanuts at an australopithecus sitting in the passenger seat of the Toyota Paseo that rearended me. Science is a glorious thing.

Cop Car

This is the cop car I was riding in that got T-boned in my second accident. As you can see, there's really not much damage to the car outside of the shallow dent at the edge of the front wheel well. I'm pretty sure the other guy ran directly into the front axle of the car, which might explain why his car ended up looking like this...

Kid's-car-wo-plates

Yeah... little more damage there. I believe I said that the cop car was hit by a Geo Storm in my initial retelling of the story, but clearly this photograph proves that the car was in fact a Chevy Lumina. Honestly, I have no idea how I could have gotten the two cars confused, they're both so damn distinctive.

And now on to the entirely random photographs that I saved for obvious reasons over the course of the past 3 years. Ah the memories...

Poop Use

Say what you will about Hector Gutierrez as a man, but there can be no debate as to his place in headline composing history: Best of all time.

Paper clip lion

I used to do a lot of file clerking gigs through my temporary employment agency, and as such needed to find ways to keep myself entertained using only office supplies. This fine paper clip (they're technically called binder clips, but I don't think anyone uses that term) sculpture was supposed to be a robot... or maybe a tree. I don't know, it was definitely supposed to be something. Didn't come out so well.

Paper clip lion fish

I think this one was supposed to be a lionfish (entirely random subject matter, but whatever), it came out considerably better.

8008135

Another fine creation from my days as a file clerk. Anyone who doesn't get the joke here has never been a mid-pubescent 13 year old boy in possession of a scientific calculator, that's for damn sure.

2 donuts

Further proof that my now totaled car (it is official by the way, I'll be getting the check in the next week or so) was cursed. A pothole completely destroyed both of the tires on the passenger side of my car, so I had to drive on 2 donuts to the nearest Discount Tire Company (had to buy another donut to pull this off, but it was a hell of a lot cheaper than calling a tow truck). Mmm... that was a fun day.

In box

How many "Cathy" comic strips has this one photograph inspired? The answer: All of them. ACK!

8 ball

Saw this guy during a Broncos game a couple years ago. Anyone who sports the infamous David Putty 8-Ball Jacket from Seinfeld (albeit with a different color scheme) is A-OK in my book. All signs point to YES!

Bonus points obviously awarded for the prolific ape drape. Nice work buddy, you're all that this country should be.

I think it should be pretty obvious why I saved this next one for last...

Hitler Santa

I ran into this guy while delivering packages for UPS last December... man, it's stuff like this that makes me think I need to get into the holiday decoration business. Anybody willing to bet on what little Adolf has in his package there? I bet it's a cyanide capsule. Silly little Adolf, that's a terrible Christmas present!

I will not be offering refunds on the past 10 minutes of your life. You read it, you bought it. Tough shit.

Toodles!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

BOOBIES!!

And Evil-Hitler-Elf pulling out his best dick-in-a-box moves.

Best blog post ever!

420guy said...

That car actually looks like a Cavalier.

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