Saturday, February 2, 2008


I went on a crap seeking mission to the Salvation Army the other day, and found this most bizarre piece of nonsense in their bric-a-brac section. What its original purpose was I have absolutely no idea, but for a mere .50 cents who could argue with such a purchase?

Girl Dog 1

She stands 8" tall, with a 6" girth, and if you can't tell from the photo, the images of the dog and the girl are actually half-sculptures extending about 1/2" inch above the mysterious blue base surface, which presents a lovely texture that lies somewhere between velvet and Astroturf. Considering the era this appears to have been manufactured in (I think it's safe to say that nothing like this was produced in America during the 60's, 70's, 80's, or 90's), I was all but certain that the girl and her dog, if not the entire object, were composed of resin from asbestos and DDT, but that whole "fear of cancer" thing wasn't going to keep me away from this fine project. Oh no, this as-of-yet untampered palette was too good to be ignored.

But what to do with it? I toyed with several ideas, none of which were worth remembering (thankfully, I didn't), before deciding to alter this pile of gorgeousness into an homage to the holy trinity of the modern Republican era: Reagan, Bush Sr., and Dr. W. Following a quick Google image search, some handy scissor work, and a quick hit with some glue, our framework to glory was well in place:

Girl Dog 2

I was particularly pleased with the way Dutch Reagan's head took on the general look of the moon without any intervention from Photoshop (a handy turn of events, as anything I extensively mess with in Photoshop comes out looking like a Palestinian clown's ass). Anyway, while the image was fairly funny as is, I felt it needed some sort of quote to tie the message together (the message, predictably, was to be "I am not the biggest fan of the Grand Old Party"). I spent at least 6 minutes gnawing upon the very essence of my own soul before stumbling upon a statement that would really blow the lid of this project: Between the three heads, it was to read, "stop eating your poop." Perfection.

Fortunately, my associate Artimus Mangilord (foremost real estate magnate in the territory of Vermont) quickly informed me this quote was stupid, so I dug around looking for humorous George Herbert Walker quotes, as it really wouldn't make sense for a dog version of W to be speaking to his blond ponytail-toting father in plain English, now would it? Turns out the man had his fair share of oral gaffes as well, and I'm not just talking about the ones Barbara brings up during her biweekly bridge club! Athankew!


"When I need a little advice about Saddam Hussein, I turn to country music." -George HW Bush, 1991

Yep, that was definitely our big winner. I'm not entirely sure what happened after I started painting the words into place, but I'm pretty sure the fumes from my tiny vial of Testors had a little fiesta with my cerebral cortex. The end result was predictably messy, but I'll take it:

Girl Dog 3

Tune in next time when I show you how to turn a Hillary Clinton supporter into a person capable of exhibiting common sense.

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