There will likely be no surprises later this year when Good Rubbish releases its official list of the greatest obstructions to Enron getting off his ass and writing new posts. The early favorites:
1. Enron's new job
2. Enron not not having a job
3. Internet pornography
Whatever the reason, I've once again managed to go well over 2 weeks without releasing any new material. This is what we in the biz call "establishing a new status quo", though here's hoping that I'm able to reverse the trend next week by actually writing something substantive and on time (as opposed to this week's offering, which I am quite certain will be hastily constructed, uninteresting, and well over 7 days late).
Here's half of an utterly banal story: A couple months ago this one lady approached me and asked if I could figure out a way to fix a sign outside of her office on the cheap, as one of the letters had fallen off and it looked kind of stupid.
Here's the rest of that utterly banal story, told in tiny fragments followed by the lazy-man's punctuation mark of choice, aka "..."
There will also be pictures involved.
The first thing I tried to do was make a pencil rubbing of the space where the missing letter used to be, as I figured the glue fragments that were still there would give me a good measure of the letter's proper size...
This plan didn't work.
Instead, I had to do my measurements the old fashioned way - with a ruler. And a cotton gin. Nothing's more old fashioned than a cotton gin.
Once I had my measurements I headed over to Hobby Lobby and bought a thin rod of some kind of non-balsa wood. I can only assume this stuff is normally used for the construction of dollhouse furniture...
I done chopped it up into pieces with my rotary tool. That's what's in the piccher right there.
Once I had my pieces cut down to the proper size I glued them together with some normal wood glue, then began coloring the wood with a silver paint pen...
Shortly after beginning to color in the wood with a silver paint pen, I finished coloring in the wood with a silver paint pen...
In the hope of making this stopgap solution at least slightly waterproof I coated it in a couple layers of polyurethane, though the polyurethane for whatever reason acted as a solvent on the dried silver from the paint pen, causing it to lift off the wood and smear around like a carrot-laden poo in a baby's diaper. Fortunately I wasn't emotionally involved with this project in the slightest, so I was able to adopt a firm and unmovable "whatever" stance with relative ease.
With my letter replacement fully constructed, all I had to do was glue it into place.
Sure, from up close it's painfully obvious that 5 of the letters are made out of brushed aluminum while one of them is made out of wood, BUT...
...you gotta admit, from a distance that mutha fuckah doesn't look half bad.
This is the end of my post. It was a shitty post, but hopefully I'll try to do better next time. Why only hopefully? Because, in the words of the great Shawn Kemp, "I don't make promises, I just make babies."
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Labels: Basic Construction