Thursday, September 18, 2008

SARAH PALIN QUOTES THE GENERAL PUBLIC: THESE SHIRTS ARE MEDIOCRE AT BEST

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A none too brief disclaimer: It's currently 12:38am on Friday the 19th of September, and I've been forced to use broken toothpicks to pry my eyelids open long enough to write this post. As such, I hope you'll forgive me if my syntax is more disjointed than normal and I spall srveral werds improperlymassivepenis.

Normally I'd just put this whole thing off until tomorrow, but unfortunately my boss (who is earnestly one hell of a guy, by the way... I feel the need to note this as I'm not entirely sure whether or not I ever forwarded him the address to this fine web destination of mine) felt obligated to work within the friendly confines of our almost comically small office today despite the fact that he was violently ill - a decision which directly resulted in my breathing in more airborne pathogens than most Cambodian poison control centers could provide. I am the mother of all coal mine canaries when it comes to infectious diseases, so I'd say that there's about a 97% probability that I'll wake up tomorrow feeling like miserable crap (despite my overindulgence in herbal tea this evening), and that would translate to a 99.99999% chance of my not getting this post done until next Monday, if not later.

Condensed translation: If I don't get this shit done now, it's not going to get done for a long time. So despite the fact that my brain is currently about as clear as a slab of concrete, we're going to press through this goddamn post, not because I'll be able to craft lucid and enjoyable zingers along the way (I almost certainly won't), but because it's what any good American would do, damnit.

And now we return to our regularly scheduled post, already sullied by overwhelming mediocrity:

You may not be aware of this, but apparently a few weeks ago the GOP selected this woman named Sarah Palin to run for the office of vice president alongside John McCain. And by that I of course mean "the GOP selected this jingoistic caricature of a woman to give Pentecostals a large enough collective hard on that they'd forget that they're actually voting for John McCain for President." Well, mission accomplished. Our good friend Sarah has rallied the base, belittled community leaders, and brought the cult of personality Republicans back from the farthest reaches of the American landscape, where I can only presume they spent the last 4 years keeping their ears plugged while people yelled "I told you so" at them for voting for George W. Bush in 2004.

"Whatevurr... he schhtill's a whole bunch bettur than whut Kerry woulda dun." Yeah, capital argument my good man, and considering how well the past 4 years have gone, it's one rife with validity and logic as well. Good show!

For the record, I have no problem with people who support economic conservatism, I merely have a problem with people who claim to support economic conservatism and yet still vote for the modern Republican party. Considering how the GOP has operated for the past 8 years, voting for that party because you don't like government spending is like cutting off your kid's fingers because you want him to clean his room or eating your own poop because you like the taste of filet mignon.

But I digress...

So this Sarah Palin character... I don't like her. Actually, it's more than that. I have never had such a bad feeling about a person in all my life as the feeling I have about Sarah Palin at this point in time. Forget crawling, that woman makes my skin enter a dead sprint. She has made me vow to tune out all news outlets from here until the election, as the mere introduction of a Palin sound byte into my daily routine can turn an otherwise peaceful day into a celebration of dis chord and cold sweats. She's like the political version of Star Jones for me, it's just not a good thing.

Anyway, I'm trying to refrain from spewing purebred vitriol at this point in my life, so when the urge came over me to write a searing, soaring, and entirely senseless diatribe about the woman, I decided I'd just make up a few shirt designs with her as the subject instead. A couple of weeks later (seriously, even with the aid of computers this woman's head is a pain in the ass to draw) I've got a few designs finished and ready for your approval. Truly, this could be one of the all time great moments in passive aggressiveness.

Also please note that these are for all intents and purposes rough drafts, so if you have some suggestions as to how to make them better please feel free to let me know

That said, these rough drafts should still be showing up soon in my shop on cafepress.com fairly soon. I'd get them up there tonight, but getting stuff set up on there is a remarkably large pain in the ass, so it probably won't happen until sometime late this weekend.

Without further ado...

Uggh

This first design is really the ultimate representation of my feelings towards Sarah Palin. If you'd like to test this claim, feel free to approach me at any point during the day and say the words "Sarah Palin" as part of a sentence. That's the noise I'll make. "Uggh." It's a guttural knee jerk reaction, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Feel the same way? Then buy the fucking shirt. It's not a complex equation, my friend.

Eh

Another fine selection from my onomatopoeia collection, though this one is intended to have more to do with the widely propagated though absolutely ridiculous claim that Sarah Palin is some sort of certifiable sex symbol. Look people, this woman is not that attractive. Yeah, she's pretty by politician standards, but you could say the same thing about Rumer Willis, Chaka Kahn, and RuPaul. Take me to any suburban Colorado grocery store on a Saturday afternoon and I could direct you to no fewer than 18 40+ year old women that look just as good as Palin, if not far better (and depending on the neighborhood we're in, I'd probably feel safer with 17 of those women running the country instead of Palin).

In summation, here is my response to the "Palin is hot" allegations: "Eh." Eh at best. It's the ultimate in flaccid statements, and therefore it could not be more appropriate in regards to the subject matter.

Shrill-baby-shirll

This one's in response to the multitude of "DRILL BABY, DRILL!!!" chants that rained down on Palin, Guliani and McCain during the RNC. Yeah, that's another reason to feel really good about the prospect of another Republican administration: Not only will we rape the shit out of nature, we'll do it with massive doses of hubris! I just hope I can be there when the last wild polar bear dies from losing its habitat. Hopefully the nearby Inuits will be willing to start up a "USA!! USA!! USA!!" chant with me right then and there. That'd be kick ass. Then they could teach me how to fashion the polar bear carcass into a canoe. That'd be even better.

Thanks-but-please-god-no

And with this design we have officially ventured into, "yeah... I don't know if this one's gonna work" territory. This is supposed to be a reference to Palin's repeated claim that she said "thanks, but no thanks" to the notorious "Bridge To Nowhere" that was being planned for construction in Alaska 2 years ago. Mind you, she not only makes this claim, but has turned this claim into one of her primary speaking points during her speeches, despite the fact that overwhelming evidence has arisen showing that she in fact did not say "thanks, but no thanks" to this "Bridge To Nowhere," but instead said something along the lines of, "Thank you most sincerely, kind sir, I would be quite interested in advocating for the construction of this thingy," then changed her position on it when she had no other choice but to do so.

You've got to hand it to the woman, politicians are renowned for their ability to lie, but you don't see many politicians who make lies (like this one, for example) the keynotes of their public addresses. That takes some serious sack.

Do-Not-Want

I call this one, "dreadfully uninspired."

More-like

While I call this one, "awful isn't the right word... but this one could be funny as hell." If you have any suggestions on what this one SHOULD say, of course, I would love to hear them. I've always been a big fan of "more like" jokes. Selma Hayek? More like Sell My Kayak!!! Baaa ZING!

Alright, I am certifiably delirious from lack of sleep right now, and my throat feels like a ferret just spent the past 2 hours fashioning a bed out of it. Yep... I'd say that probability of waking up feeling like heinous crap tomorrow is now up to about 99.2%. Marvelous.

Enjoy your day, miscreants, for soon winter shall be upon us. The winter of our discontent? Perhaps, but I would prefer to refer to it as "the winter when you got that huge boil on your ass."

Yeah... that ending seems just about right for this time of night.

6 comments:

Jouda Mann said...

Come on man, I expected more from you. I'll chalk it up to your impending illness.
The point is, forget passive and just get aggressive. Give her a very aggressive, offensive message to go with her god-forsaken image.
Without further ado:
"My name is Sarah Palin, and I approve the next four years of fuck up."
"Dinosaurs and humans coexisted. See? Here's John McCain!"
"I support abstinence-only sex education. It worked for Bristol!"
"The only freedoms I support are mine and those of people on my side"
"Ooh, I can see Russia from my house! I guess that means I'm a foreign policy expert"
"I want to make your kids stupid so my son has a fighting chance."
"I fire people who don't agree with me, just like Bush"

Alternatively, forget captions and go with slogans:

Sarah Palin: Enron, Bear Stearns and Fanny Mae were a walk in the park next her.

That one sucked, but hey, it's late. You can use it, I can too.

Any way you can have her sucking the head of your cartoon cock from an earlier post? Cuz I'm still pretty sure she wet ol' John's wrinkled willie, and the "first dude" was in the corner with a camera, in case she ever decided to get him off his coat tails. Hmm, he's in construction... she'll probably put him in charge of FEMA. Sounds about right.

Jared R said...

Being a member of the vast right wing conspiracy, I'm probably not the best judge of these designs, but I can appreciate humor when it appears, even if it's directed against people I like. I gotta say though, none of these are really funny. The 'Do not want' comes closest, as it's at least referencing a current meme, but the rest are pretty crap.

Let me try my hand:

RUN. (I think this could work for either side, which broadens your market.)

I will throw my tard baby at you.

If you aren't worried about my judgment, look at what I named my children.

Anyway, that's just a few. Not great I'm sure, but hopefully tolerable.

Artimus Mangilord said...

I have a suggestion as to how to make this post better: edit for spelling and grammar. Most of your errors I could let slide except "hard on." The whole rhythm of the post is thrown off with out the hyphen. Yes, yes, yes, you're sick and tired, but that right there was an egregious slip up on your part. Or is that "slip-up"...? Gouda Mann, I like your "fighting chance" message, but would pass on the "people on my side" message, not b/c I don't think it's accurate, but rather b/c there's nothing humorous about it. You get "E" for effort and "T" for trying. Do you have a blog of your own?

Artimus Mangilord said...

By the way, I like the "More Like Sarah Awful" and "Ugh" designs. Might have to buy one for my lady friend in appreciation of the successful delivery of our aborted fetus by means other than coat hanger. Would that be a decent design? Depicting a pregnant teen in the final stages of deliver, with the surgeon as none other than awful-leering-face Palin with the caption "my contraceptive methods beat your coat hanger beats her tard baby." Maybe substitute a > greater-than symbol in there so as to make it appealing to the math heads. But then it would no longer make sense when you throw in a "beats off social conservatives" at the end of that stringfor a good dose of realism. And Jesus beating off in the corner of the OR, the expression of pleasure on his face complimented by an "it's a boy!" cigar. That last bit is mostly for confusion, not for realism. I mean, everyone knows Jesus H. Christ wouldn't want a potential life (i.e., his seed) to be wasted on a dream catching gym sock. Someone stop me.

Jouda Mann said...

Artimus, I don't have a blog, and while I have thought about creating one, it seems that all I would do is bitch about things that piss me off, and insert acidic wit where I could find a space. It seems to me that it would get old after a very short while.
I have a cafepress site, but I don't know how to market the shirts. I HAVE thought about paying people to come up with the most offensive, disgusting slogans to put on a shirt. I mean things so evil that not even Jehovah's Witnesses would try to save you. Things that would make a Bill of rights-waving unrepentant unbeliever like myself think twice about wearing it, and when I did, would make him positive that I'm going to a nonexistent hell.
Any ideas?

Father Rhyme said...

Alas, I must defend myself on my own blog. What a startling turn of events.

So here's the rub with these shirt designs: As I expressed in my post here, I sincerely do not like this woman. I think she's bad in the short term for the Democrats, I think in the long term she'll be bad for the Republicans, and I think on the whole she'll be horrible for the country. Really, I would be hard pressed to like this woman any less than I do already. She could piss on Gilbert Godfrey's face and my opinion of her wouldn't change in the slightest (and as you're all well aware, I take any desecration to the church of Godfrey VERY seriously).

All of that said, I absolutely despise the hateful nature of American politics, so I didn't want to contribute to that mess by designing a bunch of abrasive, inflammatory, and cruel shirts. She's getting enough of that sort of treatment already. I don't pity her for it, but she's getting it, and as much as I don't like her I really don't want to be a part of it. I guess you could say I'm willingly playing the part of a wallflower at a gangbang here. Oh well.

So, end result: I try to design some tame stuff and end up with some lame stuff. Ehh... I'll live. There's a certain nobility in being a square from time to time, though it comes nowhere close to the nobility of patting yourself on the back for being a great and magnanimous human being. Mmm... pride...

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