Friday, June 20, 2008


Before we get down to any Rubbish related ramblings, let me just be perfectly clear about something: I am well aware that this post features the single lamest title that I could have possibly come up with for it, but you know what? Sometimes the easiest answer is the correct one. Yeah, you think about that. You think about that real good.

So as we're all well aware, Good Rubbish has found itself mired in a sizable rut for the past few weeks for a number of reasons that I've mentioned in previous posts (mysterious illnesses, laziness, an inopportunely timed Designing Women marathon on the Lifetime network, and so on), but looking back I've failed to mention that I've also been on an agonizingly long hitless streak at Denver area thrift shops as of late. I don't know if I've gotten too snooty or if the right kind of crap just hasn't been on their shelves, but regardless of the cause I just haven't been able to find anything worth purchasing over the past few weeks.

Well... to be perfectly honest, my thrift store dry streak only partially came to an end this week, as I was able to find a couple of items at the Boulder branch of Savers that I deemed worth purchasing, but I probably wouldn't have felt that way had they cost more than .99 cents apiece. Regardless, the first semi-decent trinket I came across was this ludicrously sappy box frame:

Tranny 1

(if you can't clearly see the writing on the frame's glass it reads "Dear Little One... May your little footsteps set you upon a lifetime journey of love. May you wake each day with His blessings and sleep each night in His care. And as you grow older May you always walk in His tender love.")

Couple of things here: Am I the only one who finds the phrase "walk in his tender love" a little perverse? I mean, if you stood in front of a congregation of Methodists and expressed your intentions to "walk in Christ's tender love" (I'm assuming the word "His" refers to Christ in this frame and not Steve Guttenberg), don't you think you'd get more than a few confused stares?
Then again, I suppose a few confused stares are a given whenever you're addressing a group of Methodists. OHHH! Take that, you ambiguously defined subset of the protestant reformation!

Also, noting that the frame was nailed shut and not designed to be opened and closed, what sort of person would be inclined to buy this shit? I mean, I could see if it were a frame that was designed to have a picture of YOUR baby put inside of it, but this is just a frame designed to have a picture of an entirely random baby inside of it.

"Oh Carol, I just love this picture of your son... how old is he now??"

"Oh no, that's not my son. That's just stock photography - we'd like to have kids, but George is sterile"

"GOD DAMMIT CAROL, DO YOU HAVE TO TELL EVERYONE ABOUT THAT DAMNED TEST??? I swear I'd have left you years ago if you hadn't given me all this VD... it's kinda hard to get a steady girlfriend when your genitals look like they've spent the past 5 years making love to a shoebox full of fire ants!! SHIT!!"

After that the husband would go up into the study and slam the door, and I bet someone would clear their throat, because there'd be all of this awkward silence and they wouldn't quite know what to say. Dinner would go pretty well though, surprisingly enough.

Getting back on subject for a moment (don't worry, it'll be a short moment), I suppose if a nauseatingly large number of Americans didn't love having pictures of random babies in their house the career of Anne Geddes never would have gotten off the ground, so... I don't know. I guess I've just got issues with babies in general. Call me a cynic but I just don't find them all that useful.

Anyway, as soon as I saw this thing I thought it'd be really funny to cover up that baby picture with a really lewd photograph from a gay pride parade. One of those marvelous shots of a frighteningly hairy man 50 year old man in assless chaps that makes even the most socially liberal of Americans question whether the whole "gay rights" thing is really such a great idea. So I did a little searching and came up with this photo of a Brazilian transvestite (photo courtesy of abc news), which seemed about perfect, but then at the 11th hour I found a picture that was just SO much better (this shall be revealed shortly).

So after disassembling the picture frame, I printed out a copy of this marvelous mystery photograph, glued it over the sleeping baby picture and prepared to put the whole thing back together, but I noticed that both the outside and the inside of the frame's glass were really dirty (lord only knows how dirt managed to get inside of this stupid thing), so I decided to give it a quick blast of windex before putting it all back together. This proved to be a mistake.

It took no more than one wipe, ONE SINGULAR WIPE, with a damp paper towel for ALL of the writing on the frame to come clean off. This was not something I was expecting, nor was I at all pleased with this turn of events, for you see I was now left with nothing more than a plain old box frame with a disturbing picture in it, which, if the frame had been hung in plain sight of any rational human being, would make me look very little like a man who appreciates dark humor and very much like a man who masturbates while watching the Antiques Road Show:

Baby Frame

I've got 20 bucks that says something really really REALLY awful happened during that guy's childhood, any takers? Anybody? Come on, it's just 20 bucks... live a little...

Anyway, at this point I needed to either further modify the frame or throw it away, and the trash can was really far away from me, so I took the path of least resistance and jazzed up the end product a bit.

Tranny 2

The glass/camera mixture is doing some kind of fun house mirror trick with my scribblings, but when you're looking at this hideous object in person it pretty clearly says, "Dear Jesus, please do something about this guy, he's making me uncomfortable. Thanx! Enron" I don't normally spell thanks with an x at the end, but as I understand it that's how the new Lord's English works. Apparently he's been texting a lot recently.

Regardless, even with the scribbling I did on the frame's glass I'd have to estimate that there's still about a 98.7% chance that I'll end up throwing this thing away, and soon at that, but I'll be damned if I'm going to mess around with a project without at least getting a Good Rubbish post out of it.

Alright, that's it for now. I'm hoping to get at least 1 and 1/2 posts up next week (one of them will undoubtedly suck, and for this reason will be docked half a legitimacy point), so keep an eye out for that. Also, keep an eye out for Whoopi Goldberg. That bitch is not to be trusted.


1 comment:

Jouda Mann said...

Just curious, does this person know Larry Craig?