Saturday, March 29, 2008


I failed to mention in my last post that I was actually able to reel in one decent purchase from my ill-fated trip to the bargain shoppers dystopia that is the ARC Thrift Store on Iliff and Quebec: Buried behind a fortress of $6 key racks and frightfully stained $2 coffee mugs I found a dreadful decorative tea kettle that was miraculously priced at .99 cents.


I can only assume that this morbidly obese ceramic woman had a head at some point in time, but clearly that head was fated to suffer a premature demise... perhaps her husband the salt shaker knocked it off her body during some sort of domestic dispute. Really, there's no way to know for sure.

Regardless, the headless aspect of this entirely useless object (if you tried to boil water in this frail piece of crap it'd undoubtedly explode) was probably why they priced it at .99 cents instead of $99, but it looked capable of providing me with easy enough subject matter for a modification, so I purchased it.

I really couldn't think of any other way to mess with this thing, so I slathered a bunch of red acrylic paint around the woman's gaping head hole (what teapot anthropologists would refer to as her "foramen magnum") so it looked like her head got chopped off. Obvious much? Yes, extremely obvious in fact.

Astoundingly, even after that herculean effort on my part, the my portly pot of a woman still looked very uninteresting... very ho hum, very "nice effort Mr. Klebold, I'll give you a C-" if you will, so I decided to write some stuff on it.



First off, if you're finding my scribblings illegible, the text reads "I said gosh darn". Secondly, no I don't know what that statement is supposed to mean. I started out just writing "darn" on there, as I felt like that word really expressed the essence of my decapitated tea kettle woman's pain, but it didn't look right spatially so I added those other (equally unfunny) words. I felt somehow obligated to write on the back as well, so I did, though I couldn't think of anything else to write so I just laid out this Cesar Chavez quote that I really like:


Ahh, the old fall back. What the term "crack whore" is to Norm Macdonald, the question "who farted?" is to me... there's just no limit to the number of times I'll find those two magic words hilarious. Somehow this has to explain why Norm is famous while I'm languishing in obscurity, but I don't think I'm the man to figure out that riddle.

Many thanks for partaking in my latest fit of drivel, faithful reader - tune in next time when I'll show you how to make a wallet out of Sly Stallone's face.

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