AMURRICA IS MY HOMEBOY

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I stumbled across this delectible pile of plaster during my biweekly trip to the Salvation Army store. It set me back a mere $1.50 - this my friends, is the very definition of a bargain:



BOOYA! Much like the exceedingly bizarre framed-diorama-like-object that I tainted some number of weeks ago, this lovable little scamp was intentionally molded as half of a sculpture, allowing it to be easily mounted on a wall via a loop of soldering wire that protrudes from the pilot's back. He's almost 10" long from propeller to tail, and stretches 9" from the crown of his disturbingly oversized helmet (nerve tonic overdose is likely at fault here) and the bottom of the adorable bomb that's dangling from the bottom of his craft. He protrudes a solid 3" from the wall when hung (I thought about saying "mounted", but that would have sounded even worse), and probably weighs in at about 7 or 8lbs. The trademark stamp "Apsit Bros. of Calif. 1974" is pressed into the side of its head - apparently these Apsit brothers were pretty big fish in the ugly crap pond back in the day, as a quick Google search brought me to this archive of some of their tacky-rific lighting apparatuses. Good show Apsit brothers, good show.

Here's another shot that provides a little better idea of the depth this bad boy possesses:



The work that needed to be done on this little guy was pretty obvious, so I'm bestowing upon myself exactly zero points for creativity here. Using my renowned freehand skillz, I stenciled on some graphics from the helmet design Easy Rider made famous, then painted the plane to look something like a P-40 Warhawk. Oh, and I turned the bomb into a World War II reference, but only because I think atomic weapons are hilarious (LOL!).

I used acrylic paints on this one, which unfortunately required me to cover the whole thing with a super shiny clear varnish once I was done (acrylics rub off really easily without that extra layer of protection), so the whole thing kind of looks like a poorly conceived decorative candle now. Oh well.

The results, maestro...



The pictures really didn't come out as well as I would have hoped, by the by. Mind you, this is not the most gorgeous wall adornment known to man, but the blinding sheen coming off of that varnish made all of my pictures look like they were taken at Glamour Shots (pity I didn't have an airbrushed American flag background to compliment them). Maybe someday I'll give this thing to one of your children as a present, then you'll see how not horribly ugly it is. You'll also realize on that day that I'm really not a good person to invite to a birthday party, though the jury won't truly be out on that matter until after I poop on the cake.

Oh, I also painted his flight suit green, as that brown jacket he had on just wasn't working for me. I mean honestly, brown? What the fuck were you thinking, Apsit Brothers?



I don't know why, but that picture makes me uncomfortable as all hell. I took this next one in the midst of a kickass barrel roll.



Sweet. By the way, were I the possessor of substantial artistic talent, I would have painted a bikini clad buxom broad on the front of the plane, but I'm not, so I just painted a series of yellow X's instead. I can paint X's really good, they aren't all that hard.

A parting shot before we're torn apart once more, with a nice view of the bomb aspect of this abomination:



Tune in next time when I'll show you how to make a paper airplane out of a floor lamp.