Tuesday, May 27, 2008


Well friends and neighbors, the drab weather in Denver this past weekend coupled with my sudden spike in employment-related responsibilities left me with little time to tinker with Rubbish material, so I suppose now would be a good time for an 11th hour retooning post to appease my dwindling and discontented readership.

In case you missed the explanation that came along with my last retooning extravaganza, retooning is the process of erasing the captions from newspaper cartoons (99.8% of which are entirely incapable of entertaining anyone who hasn't consumed a large quantity of paste or paint thinner in the past 12 hours) and replacing them with new captions. The desired end result is the creation of something funny out of something that was once unfunny, but as you'll clearly see from the examples I'm about to provide, the desired end result is not always achieved.

Example 1 of an unfunny cartoon comes to us from Heart of the City, a comic strip that I'd never heard of before I cut it out of the paper. This strip may be a lot of things (mildly cute, unabashedly sentimental, schlocky, etc), but funny is not one of them. Also, I'm personally appalled by the lack of respect that this kid is showing for the fallen soldiers that lie behind him. I mean, he's not even saluting in the general direction of his dead GI Joes, he's saluting off into God knows where while staring at God knows what... for all we know he could be saluting the flag of Iran while staring at two men with thick beards making out with each other. Unacceptable.


After erasing half of the original caption, I thought about my next course of action for roughly 3 seconds before scribbling down a bunch of nonsense. I believe my final product reflects my level of work I put into this modification, and honestly I couldn't be prouder of what I accomplished here:


I really like how the addition of a box of poop has made this child's salute look more like he's wiping sweat off of his brow in a "phew, that was an ordeal" sort of manner. I wish the addition of a box of poop had that effect on all things, though to be honest I haven't introduced a box of poop into that many real world situations, so maybe that is what normally happens and I'm just unaware of it. Who here wants to see me beat this joke into the ground a little while longer? Well too bad, I'm moving on anyway.

Up next we have a fine selection from The Family Circus, though before I lay out my modification of the most notorious of all comic strips, I feel I'd be in significant error if I didn't first point out that the single greatest parody of The Family Circus that man could possibly create has already been minted by whomever crafted this astounding piece of work (later forwarded to me by the infamous Artimus Mangilord):

family circus

In case you're wondering, the comic is referencing the deity Cthulu, who just happens to be running for the office of President of the United States this November. You can learn more about him here, and find out his stances on various key issues here.

Now that all the fine print's out of the way, here's the lovely Family Circus cartoon that I decided to modify:


Aww, isn't that just the most adorable fucking thing you've ever seen? Makes me want to fill a bathtub with marshmallow Peeps and just lay in there, and maybe have a good cry. Yeah... that'd be nice.


If Good Rubbish were a sitcom on UPN (which it should be), this would be the part where the audience would go "ohhhhhh!" (not to be confused with the major network "awwww" or make out session induced "wwwoooOOOOO!"), then the show would cut to commercial and when it'd come back everyone would act like the joke never happened, because the producers would know that they crossed the line a bit there, but they didn't want to let a good zinger like that go unused. Yep, that's what'd happen.


Watch me mail this one in...



Alright, this last one didn't actually come from the comics page, but rather the kid's page which I make a point of it to read every week (what can I say? I find their word search to be the ultimate bathroom companion). I'll leave you to these before and after shots in silence, as I don't believe there's anything that I could possibly say that could contribute further to the message that these comics bring to our troubled world.



Truer words have never been spoken. Be sure to tune in next time when I turn a canoe into a really spiffy urinal trough. Wait a second, that would actually work... hmm...


Artimus Mangilord said...

Good show, sir. I noticed our discussion of the relationship between Persian economics and visible homoeroticism managed to permeated your humor. Once again, good show. Did I mention that I have cancer?

Shawn said...

"why doesn't daddy tuck me in until 3am?"
Answer, courtesy of Stephen Lynch: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Mhqaeb_hObY&feature=related

Daddy plays poker and drinks lots of beer, then he wants sex that involves mommy's rear, Daddy has sores on his naughty parts oozing with puss.

Funniest. comedian. ever.

Father Rhyme said...

I'm a bit partial to Norm Macdonald myself, but that's not bad.